FYI: most flavors of Trader Joe's superpremium ice cream— especially but not exclusively the basic chocolate, vanilla, and coffee— are superlative. »
"I look swollen? Really? Huh. It's funny, but I can't even remember a time when it didn't look like this."
-Crosby, in interview with a ficus »
That's a bit surprising; according to those familiar with the voting body, write-in "D. Guy Swhoneverplayedthegame" seemed to be a shoo-in by acclamation. »
What with its ash smell and proximity to both the county seat and raisin country, it is, however, California's unofficial taint. »
Secret Service Agent 1: I'm only going to ask you one more time. Are you working with anyone else?
Secret Service Agent 2: ANSWER him, you slippery son of a bitch!
Secret Service Agent 1: Are you working with anyone else? Anyone else? Yes or no?
Seal: [Leans forward]
Seal: [Claps twice]
Secret Service Agent… »
"This is horrific— I've never seen anything before like this over something so trivial," said absolutely nobody present. »
PR Flak: Ha! That looks FANTASTIC. Pass some over here, Cristiano.
Ronaldo: [Eats every last bit of cake himself] »
Customer: I love tap water! We've relied on the tap for years, and it's always served me well. The tap should be just fine.
Ditka: [Overhears; signals to waiter to send in Perrier, because fuck the tap]
Dog: [Looks around]
Dog: [Is overloaded by stimuli]
Dog: [Eyes widen]
Dog: [Pants wildly]
Dog: [Evacuates bowels]
Dog: [Is escorted from field]
Dog Trainer: [Shrugs up at crowd; mimes apology]
PA Announcer: He really left it out on the field, huh? [Chuckles] But seriously, fans, we're sorry for that… »
[Stews over insult, inability to communicate anger]
[Shakes fist; slams hand on nearby wall]
-Louis Braille »
Tim, Greg, and Barry— what are your versions of what happened with Darrelle Revis on Tuesday?
Tom, Samer, and Shep McAllister— you can go love yourself. »